Super Ultra Extra-Special Unreal Dooming Deathmatch
by coolkid32
Summary: Any number of characters from across the multiverse drawn into a competition TO THE DEATH. A pacifist and a violent AI comment on the battles. What else do you want - a cookie?


"_Greetings from the wide vestiges of the multiverse, I am your host, Dave Johnson, and I welcome you to Super Ultra Extra-Special Unreal Dooming Deathmatch! The show where YOUR greatest heroes and villains duke it out for our mindless entertainment."_

_The announcer, a balding man with a thick goatee and a cheap burgundy three-piece suit, raised his hand as a signal for the cheering arena crowd to settle._

"_Tonight, we kick things off with a match between classic icons, a bloody battle that will blow your __**bleep**__ing minds. Acting as my co-announcer tonight, straight from the Refuse Bin of Aperture Science, is my good friend, the Decisive Intelligence Controlling Kombat. Tell the good people about the fight, D."_

_A loud electronic voice rang out. "AFFIRMATIVE, DAVE. BY DEMAND OF THE AUTHOR, WE PIT THE PINK HERO OF DREAMLAND AGAINST THE DEMON OF SANDY SHORES. PLEASE GREASE YOUR ELBOWS AND PREPARE TO RENDER HAND-BASED APPRECIATION FOR... KIRBY THE DREAMLANDER AND TREVOR PHILLIPS."_

On one side of the dusty dirt arena, in a surge of light, appeared Kirby, a round pink creature with wide eyes and a simple smile. "Huh?" he said.

Another burst of light came from the arena's other end, shooting out a balding man wearing a filthy white shirt and cargo pants. "You can't throw me from my own **bleep**ing strip club, you **bleep**sucking asswipes... Wha..." Trevor said, getting up slowly, "what the **bleep** did I just get into?"

Then he saw Kirby, pink and squishy, smiling at him with a wave. "Aw... such a cute little guy. I'm going to enjoy sticking my **bleep** in your face and **bleep**ing you hard."

"_Oookay," Dave said nervously, "well, thanks for the introduction, D. Ladies and gentlemen, LET THE CARNAGE BEGIN!"_

Trevor winced at the loud siren that sounded, holding his hands over his ears. "Jesus **bleep**ing Christ in a manger, turn that racket off!" Thankfully, the sound guy received a memo from The Author and promptly shut the siren down. Not that anyone would know that, unless they were reading this exchange right now.

Kirby shook himself, pouting. The sweaty bald man seemed gross, but he still wanted to chew him up, spit him out, and smack him around. Kirby charged at the bald man, shouting "HYAAAAAAAH!".

Trevor felt his legs buckle as the tiny pink blob grabbed him by his legs and began smacking him across the dirt, left and right. His vision went cloudy and his entire body went limp in pain as the beatdown continued.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! **Bleep**! **Bleep**! Ing! Hell!" Trevor shouted angrily as the blob finally tossed him to the ground. He scrambled to his feet, but the blob was faster. He went headfirst into the beast's gullet.

Kirby closed his mouth as the bald man struggled in his mouth. The man tasted of sweat and icky stuff, so he decide to munch on the weird man a few times before spitting him out like a bullet. "Ew..." he spoke.

"Crap!" Trevor shouted, shaking off the saliva. "Now I'm soaked, you little bastard! Come here..." Then he lunged at the blob, bringing out his knife and stabbing it in its massive eyes

"WAAAHHHHH!" Kirby shouted as the icky man slammed him around, kicking at him and clawing at him and **biting **him in the face. "WAAAHHHHHH!" He squirmed and kicked back, but the icky man responded by thrusting the knife further into his face.

"_Christ, D, this is getting a bit violent. Can we do something to break up the fight?" Dave asked._

_"__I HAVE ALREADY DEVELOPED A CONTINGENCY FOR SUCH AN OCCASION, DAVE."_

Said contingency came in the form of four turrets, one emerging from each corner. They locked onto Trevor and opened fire.

"Oh **bleep**," Trevor said as soon as he heard the turrets open fire. He fell on his back and lifted Kirby up, watching as the poor little pink blob was blasted on all sides with bullets. The blob shrieked and cried, fighting Trevor's grip, but he just couldn't let go.

Finally, Trevor heard the distinctive _click-click_ of an ammo-less gun and released the blob. It felt to the ground, breathing heavily and covered with bruises but still alive.

"HUUUUUH! HUUUUUH! HUUUUUH! HUUUUUH!" Kirby inhaled and exhaled, tearing up from the pain and the knife still embedded in his face. The pellets had smacked him for a while and they really, **really **hurt. Then he looked up and saw the icky man staring at him.

"Cheer up, kid," Trevor said softly, "you can't win 'em all. Now, I'm not a selfish man, so I'll leave you with a little gift of my own." Then he unzipped his pants and began to relieve himself atop the weeping pink blob.

Kirby, despite being hurt and unnerved, knew a winning opportunity when he saw it. He jumped up, pulling the knife loose from his face, and in one fell swoop, sliced at the icky man's liquid-producing appendage. It fell with a _splat_.

Trevor looked down at the place where his penis had fallen, then at the blob, then back down. His hand began to shake as he glared at the blob. "You. Will. Regret that."

Then, with a roar that would scare a lion shitless, he charged at the pink bastard once more.

Kirby, at the last second, stepped aside with his tiny leg outstretched. The icky man tripped and fell face first. Once the dust had settled Kirby hopped on the icky man's back and stabbed him in the back of the head. "HYAH! HYAH! HYAH! HYAH!" he shouted repeatedly as the man squirmed in agony before settling to sleep forever.

Kirby took a heavy, laboured breath. Then, with a burst of joy, he leaped in the air and squealed, "BOOYAH!"

"_Umm... So, congrats Kirby, you won!" Dave spoke nervously. "That's our show for tonight, folks. Tomorrow tune it for further carnage, and remember: if it's not a Deathmatch, it's not awesome."_

_The broadcast ended with the cheers and clapping of the gathered crowd, but audio could still be heard._

"_What. The. Fuck." Dave said._

"_I APOLOGISE IF YOU WERE UNNERVED, DAVE. I KNOW THIS IS NEW TO YOU."_

"_Unnerved? I was going out of my damn mind. What the hell did you think I meant by 'break up the fight'? Killing everyone involved? And what's with all this violence? They said no one would actually get hurt when they hired me."_

"_YOU SHOULD HAVE GLANCED MORE ATTENTIVELY AT THE FINE DETAILS OUTLINED IN YOUR LEGAL CONTRACT WITH THE NETWORK. IT WOULD HAVE CLARIFIED THAT THE ORDERS OF THE AUTHOR ARE TO BE PRIORITIZED ABOVE ALL OTHER CONCERNS."_

"_So what you're telling me is that The Author's a fucking sociopath, is that it?"_

"_YOU SEEM TO BE MISUDNERSTANDING CERTAIN KEY POINTS IN THIS COMMUNICATIVE EXERCISE. FOR INSTANCE, THE TERM SOCIOPATH DOES NOT TRANSLATE AS YOU APPEAR TO BELIEVE IT DOES. THE AUTHOR COMES ACROSS MORE AS A VIOLENCE-CENTRIC INTROVERT, THOUGH THIS DOES NOT REFLECT BADLY ON HIS STATUS AS OUR CREATOR, MASTER AND OVERALL ADMINISTRATOR. FURTHERMORE-" _

_Then the transmission cut off, thanks to the efforts of an observant audio technician who will be receiving a raise and a new office by day's end._


End file.
